I too briefly considered online dating. Then I wrote this profile. The mystery of my lack of success remains unsolved...
Like this:
"Those who make sarmale are open-minded.
They don't sleep around.
They merely conduct field research
on alternative pig species.
The grant money, unfortunately, is private,
and their findings are rarely peer-reviewed.
Not the honest pigs that become sarmale.
Those die with dignity.
I mean the living pigs -
the ones with fat wallets,
Italian shoes,
Swiss watches,
and perfume so expensive
it almost manages to conceal
the smell of fermented whale shit.
Almost.
The cook knows the difference.
One pig feeds a family.
The other feeds on one.
Give me Sarmale,
Mici,
Ciorbă de perișoare.
The pig inside them has no yacht,
no offshore accounts,
no motivational quotes,
and no lawyer.
It doesn't promise Paris.
It doesn't lease a Porsche.
It doesn't call itself an entrepreneur.
It simply dies,
gets minced,
wrapped in cabbage,
and tastes magnificent.
There is an honesty in that.
French cuisine may powder its pork,
dress it in lace,
and teach it to pronounce croissant correctly.
Surrealism may paint halos over swine.
But a pig remains a pig,
even when it smells
worth twelve thousand dollars a bottle.
Perhaps that's why I trust
the one on my plate.
It smells like a pig.
The other smells
like perfume desperately negotiating
with whales
over fishing rights.
And somehow,
that's enough for some people
to call it appetite.
Any sows -
the highly sophisticated female pigs -
with impeccable methodology
out there?
The Ethics Committee
never finds evidence
of scientific misconduct.
Only
enthusiastic participation, please."
Could someone interested please help with my research?